Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Who am I?

Alternate title:

My Identity Is All Over The Map

Do you ever have days where it just hits you in the face, I don't really know who I am?

I certainly have. I know in my head that I'm a child of God, rescued by his son Jesus, who so graciously redeemed my life from the pit. I know that being a wife, a mom, a friend, a writer, an artist, a dancer, a food-lover, and everything else I can describe myself as, are just secondary. But I feel like I'm still waiting for the day when it sinks down into my heart that the most important thing that defines me is that I am my beloved's and He is mine. Where all the other priorities in this earthly life line up underneath my relationship with God.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I should abandon all my duties and desires to lock myself up to do nothing but talk to God all day. I just mean, I get caught up in all the things I need to do and want to do that sometimes I forget who I really am. Maybe I don't even fully know yet!

It's especially difficult when I'm reminded that in the course of my life, I've been:

~The youngest child, the only child, the oldest child, and probably the middle child somewhere in there too.

~The teacher's pet, and the girl who got caught shoplifting.

~The straight-A student, and the girl that slept through/skipped class.

~The girl that never gets asked out, and the girl that can't get rid of her baby's daddy.

~The girl that's the only virgin left in the group and plans to stay that way until marriage, and the girl that got pregnant barely 6 months after meeting a guy.

~The girl that's super-organized, and the girl that wants to hire a professional organizer because the clutter is just too much to handle.

~The girl that has to make every penny count because there's only $5 a week to work with, and the girl that has everything she needs and a lot of what she wants.

~The girl that wants 8 kids, and the girl that gets rid of everything baby-related because she feels DONE after 2.

~The candy addict, and the crunchier-by-the-minute food snob.

~The girl that wants long hair so bad, and the girl that is so over long hair and keeps cutting it shorter.

~The girl that's so bored out of her mind with nothing to do, and the girl that would kill for a day back then.

~The girl that wants to be a teacher, a waitress, a beautician, a model, an astronaut, a nurse, a surgeon, a dancer, a missionary, and the girl that doesn't want to be anything other than "just a wife and mom."

~The girl that had been to 6 different countries in 3 years, and the girl that hasn't left the country in 6.

~The girl that stays up late and gets up early to study the Bible, and the girl that can't remember the last time she picked it up.

So, I choose to say, "Lord, I turn my eyes toward you. I just want to love you more. Show me who YOU are and help me shed the false identities that I've attached myself to through the years. Live through me to make me more like you, and remind me each day that I am yours, and everything else is just accessories."